


Bearer Of Light

by orphan_account



Series: Samifer Love Week 2016 [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: A LOT of Hurt with little Comfort, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Graphic Description of torture and violence, Hell, I mean it it's very little comfort, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Souls, The Cage, Torture, True Forms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 09:44:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7635487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The torture Sam experiences in the cage is unbearable, but there is something else that is there - a light that takes all the pain away from him sometimes. He slowly finds out what it is and when he does he finally understands everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bearer Of Light

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Samifer Love Week 2016 - Prompt: The time in the cage

                                                              

* * *

 

Sometimes Sam didn’t know where he was, what was happening and where this horrible and agonizing pain torturing his very existence came from. He felt ripped apart, shattered into millions of pieces over and over – begging, _praying_ , for it to finally be over. There was nothing but pain, nothing but his soul being humiliated and destroyed and the wish for it to end, to give him peace at last. It felt like eternities he spent this way, without any hope left.

And then there were other times, when he felt surrounded by a blissful light that took all the pain away and healed his tormented soul, mended the wounds that caused this unbearable pain. Sam felt like flying when it happened, unable to move due to the tension that prevented any form of control over what was left of him. But he could _feel_ and oh, he felt so much.

The gentle touches, caressing him and granting him a form of comfort he had never experienced before. The cold that made the fires of hell meaningless, leaving him with the delicate feeling of being protected from all harm around him. It took Sam long to realize where the pain and torture and where the comfort and almost salvation like feeling came from – and that they had different origins. Sam’s mind – as twisted and corrupted as it was since he jumped into the pit – was unable to separate the two situations for a very long time.

Once he realized this though, things changed. Sam was able to actively influence what happened around him and he was able to reach out for the one comforting him. He still didn’t know who or what it was giving him peace for a short while at least, but he longed for the cold and divine presence to heal him, to _save_ him, to give him hope. The destructive and furious torture, the wrath directed at him, were draining Sam, even with the comfort this presence gave him – and still he felt the need for it grow stronger every time he experienced it. This was _good_ , the last thing keeping him together.

Sam never knew how long any of this lasted, how long the pain or the relief or everything combined messed with him. Time was irrelevant in the cage, it was an idea that had no room in this environment. That was until he heard _the voice_ for the first time. The moment he began to trust this unknown presence that offered him so much an alluring voice, echoing through his mind and drawing him closer as if open arms welcomed him to drown in bliss, began speaking to him. No recognition – not yet – but the feeling of being _safe_.

It cost a lot of strength to learn how to exist in the cage itself, how to know what was when and how things were connected. At first Sam felt like a floating nothing, only existing to feel pain. Then he became aware of himself, as if he was waking up, and the light appeared. And then, after what felt like eons, he realized he had a _body_ if he wanted to. A body that could be tortured the same ways he felt it before, but one that could be comforted in many more ways too. The first time he was fully aware of this fact the light was around him and it felt like being born again. Before this moment he could never see, never speak – there was only what he felt and the voice in his head that screamed when tortured and stayed silent when comforted.

When he _did_ open his eyes though – when he took the first look at the presence that kept him alive through this horrific experience – Sam screamed his new found lungs out. Without even realizing – his complete existence in absolute shock and horror – he retreated from his savior and ran right back into the merciless fires of his punishment. This time it was worse than ever before, the pain struck so much deeper, the way his body was torn apart created more agony and torment than he could have ever imagined with his conscious mind. Sam was unable to process the fact that the one he thought was the reason behind all his suffering was the one trying to save him and without this ability he was unable to fight against anything anymore.

Just when he thought it was finally over – when he suffered the worst things imaginable and felt himself break apart completely – Sam was ripped away from the fire and pain, wrapped in the light and cold he was trying to escape. In his weakened and broken state, Sam didn’t struggle against it this time. He let the other heal his wounds, simply closing his eyes and waiting for the sweet embrace of death that would take him away from all of this. The hands on his naked skin felt the same as before, but now he was numb to the touch, without feeling anything at all. There was just darkness and betrayal and a devastation that just wouldn’t end.

“Sam.”

His name, spoken for the first time with an actual voice he recognized, made him flinch without opening his eyes. Like a nightmare in a nightmare he was tortured once more, in a completely different way than before. This time it wasn’t physical, wasn’t inflicting any visible damage whatsoever. The damage on his soul, however, was unimaginably worse.

“Just let me die…” Sam spoke for the very first time since he was in the cage, eyes pressed together to prevent even the tiniest bit of this light breaking through to him. “It’s enough pain, just let me die…”

There was a sigh, followed by Sam being lifted up from the hard ground his body was lying on. The world around him began spinning and a slight nausea built up in his stomach thanks to his still closed eyes. It was gone as fast as it appeared, but something had changed. He was still in the air and being held, but now the atmosphere around him was different. The crackling of the fire, even the _weight_ in the air, were completely gone and replaced with nothing but silence.

For a while nothing happened, they were both still wherever they were and Sam had no idea what was going on anymore. Then he was put back down and he felt the presence of the other leave – not vanishing, but simply walking away from him. Sam’s body stiffened as he waited for new pain being inflicted on him. When nothing happened and not a single sound was heard, Sam finally dared to open his eyes, only to face the night sky and countless of stars above him. Astonishment overwhelmed the human as he sat up without noticing it, his eyes gazing over the beautiful picture he thought he would never see again in his life. How often had he looked up to the stars at night, especially as a child, wishing to be able to just fly away like a bird and never look back?

Suddenly though, Sam frowned, and lowered his gaze. This place… it was _familiar_. Around him, half hidden in dark shadows and mist, was a deep forest with high trees that almost seemed to scratch the sky above. Beneath him was a meadow, small and covered with tiny dots of light that were surely fireflies. There was a connection, he knew it. He had been to this place before, but how could he be back when he was in the cage? This all made no sense to him, even less than the face of his savior.

Sam slowly looked around, trying to figure out what was going on, when he noticed the cowering figure at the far end of the meadow – as far away from him as possible without being completely out of sight. With shaking legs Sam began walking towards it, drawn by the dim light that was almost vanishing in the darkness around it. He knew who it was of course and when he reached out his hand – without even coming close to touch the one on the ground – his heart sank to his stomach.

“ _Lucifer_.”

There was no direct reaction, just a flicker of the light that lasted barely a second. Sam knelt down, hands on the ground and just looking at the angel. Something wasn’t right here, he could feel it. All the sorrow and agony, even the bit that was left when he had been surrounded by Lucifer’s light in the past, were completely gone. And yet he knew it was still _there_ , just unable for him to see or feel.

“Lucifer, can you hear me?”

Sam didn’t know why he talked to him instead of running away, but something told him this was _wrong_ and that Lucifer should not cower there like this, that the light that spent Sam so much comfort before shouldn’t be so dim and close to be gone. Lucifer reacted slow, barely shifting a little so Sam could see that he was nodding. Now he also saw the ground the angel was on, his hands clenching the grass and tearing up the ground beneath it with the force he used. His whole body, Sam realized now, was trembling and shaking and the back of his fists were wet and shimmering.

Once again Sam reached out with his hand, this time almost touching Lucifer, when the other suddenly jolted away from him with a distressed shriek, causing the human to fall back in surprise and shock. His eyes piercing through Sam were filled with fear and widened drastically, his breath so heavy that his chest was heaving.

“Don’t… touch me.”

Sam barely recognized the voice as the same that spoke to him before. Now it was shaking and crackling and not his own at all anymore. This, more than ever, created a confusion in him Sam couldn’t explain. Minutes ago Lucifer had been affectionate and gentle in ways he never expected him to be, touching and soothing him – now he acted like a panicked animal trapped in a corner with no way out. Sam debated what to do when Lucifer began shaking again and gritted his teeth as he turned away from him to hide his pain distorted face. Sam’s stomach twisted when it finally dawned on him what happened, what Lucifer had _done_.

“Why did you do this?”

It was the only question Sam could voice out, even if his mind was flooded with a hundred more. None of them he could ask, none of them he even wanted to know the answer to. But this one he needed answered, because there was no reason he could come up with for Lucifer to take away all the pain and torture he had suffered just put it on himself instead. Lucifer shook his head again, more powerful this time and shoved himself away from the human next to him, probably to prevent another attempt to touch him. He was in so much pain that his skin became waxy and sweaty and tears built up in the corner of his eyes.

“You suffered…” he pressed out, the words barely audible over the heavy breathing and gasping. “I… couldn’t let you suffer more… it was enough…”

He couldn’t believe what he just heard. Why would Lucifer, out of everyone, take upon Sam’s torture so he would be free of it? And how did they get to this place that was surely not the cage, even if Sam _knew_ they were still in there, maybe just on a different level of existence? And why, for Christ’s sake, was he close to tears now himself at the sight of Lucifer suffering such horrible pain in front of him?

“You are… safe here, Sam.” Lucifer managed to say, forcing himself to look up into Sam’s eyes with a stern look. “He can’t hurt you here… this is… this is your…” his voice was cut off by a new wave of pain it seemed and Sam was already darting forward again before realizing what he did. He immediately stopped and sat back, biting his lip and feeling horrible for letting it all just _happen_. This sudden need to spend Lucifer the same comfort the angel had granted him was overwhelming.

“This is my memory.” He said instead and Lucifer nodded weakly. Now he finally understood. He _had_ been to this place before, shortly before he ran away to go to Stanford. A huge argument with Dean, who had found his acceptance letter, had caused him to run away and end up on this meadow in the middle of the night. Here he had felt free and so small under the huge sky. He never really forgot this feeling of happiness he had here, but now all of this was gone. It was just a stage, nothing more. And what he found here this time wasn’t happiness, it was remorse and guilt.

“You are… safe here…” Lucifer assured him again and Sam finally snapped out of his looking around to focus back on him. The light that surrounded the angel was almost gone now – soon it would be out and Sam feared what would happen then, even if he didn’t know why.

“Lucifer, let me help you…” Sam said gently, pleading even. He couldn’t stand what happened to him, no matter who he was. Seeing him suffer like this hurt the human deep in his soul. “You helped me too.”

Immediately Lucifer shook his head, trying to get even further away from Sam – only to break down after a few feet. His arms simply gave in, shaking too much to support him any longer, and he fell to the ground with one desperate and pain filled groan. This time Sam didn’t care for the consequences – if he’d wait any longer it would be too late and whatever this light was would be gone, initiating what he imagined to be the end of the angel in front of him.

As careful and gentle as possible, Sam wrapped his arms around the shaking vessel, ignoring the sudden wave of pain that shot through him at this touch alone. He closed his eyes and pulled Lucifer as close to himself as possible, their chests pressed together and his face buried against the angel’s shoulder. There was more pain and anguish taking over him, but it was much less intense, more like something that he remembered, rather than something that was happening right now.

Sam could feel that Lucifer was better now, despite still trembling and trying to get away from him with weak attempts. The torture he had taken upon himself wasn’t his, it caused him more pain than it caused Sam apparently. When Sam dared to open his eyes again he noticed that the light was much stronger now and surrounded them both with the pleasant cold Sam grew to long for so much. His grip around Lucifer loosened a little, allowing him to brush one of his hands through the angel’s hair to pull his head against his chest. Just for one moment Lucifer tried to escape again – then he simply leaned against the human and allowed him to give back what he had received for so long.

“I’m sorry, Lucifer…” Sam whispered. He shoved himself closer, bringing them together as much as he was able to and with as much physical contact as possible. While he kept running his hand through the other’s short blond hair he felt his hands hold onto him in desperation. “I thought you tortured me all this time and instead you tried to save me from it. I’m so sorry for that.”

“I caused you pain…” Lucifer mumbled, his voice muffled slightly. “You’re here because of me and I couldn’t protect you…”

Sam slowly shook his head and pressed his lips against Lucifer’s head. The touch felt intimate and different, but not at all wrong. Instead it gave him a slight warmth inside, something he had not felt since he said yes so long ago. The hand not buried in the angel’s hair reached around him to find his hand and as soon as their fingers touched Lucifer brought them together and held onto him.

“It’s okay, Lucifer. I wronged you all this time, but I know the truth now.” Sam smiled sadly against Lucifer’s head. It felt nice how their hands fit perfectly into each other’s. “I’m glad I know. You took all this pain just to protect me and I had no idea… I was so scared when I knew it was you and I feel horrible for it.”

“I startled you, it’s not your fault.” Again Lucifer shook his head against Sam’s chest. “I’ll take any pain so you’re safe, Sam. Since we are here I try to take Michael’s wrath on me, but he won’t hurt me, only you.”

“Why not you?” Sam asked confused. Wouldn’t he be the most obvious target, with this fight being theirs? “Why only me?”

Without a warning Lucifer pulled back from Sam, turning his head to look down next to them. Sam noticed the light around Lucifer was shrinking, retreating back into himself until only a small glow around him was left. _As if he tries to protect himself_ , Sam thought and just as the words formed in his head he knew that was exactly what Lucifer was doing. He was scared…

“Lucifer?” Sam asked carefully, trying not to sound demanding.

It took the angel a long time to answer, all while the light around him gave away the battle he fought inside, constantly flickering and expanding slightly before pulling itself back towards him. Eventually though, Lucifer realized that Sam wouldn’t accept no answer and that he owed him an explanation to the horrid torture that he only suffered because of him. Lucifer pulled his hands back too before answering, his voice merely a silent whisper.

“Because he knows he hurts me more when he hurts _you_.”

Sam was surprised by this answer, but more than that it saddened him to the very core. He took Lucifer’s hands back into his own, both this time, and gently entwined their fingers. Lucifer didn’t react, he just kept looking away from the human as if what he would see if he didn’t would kill him.

Finally Sam understood what all of this was about. Why Lucifer never threatened him to say yes, why he always stayed so calm when he talked to him, even though he was raging inside. He understood why he, himself, had felt so horrible ever since Lucifer came to him for the first time. Lucifer was the devil, yes. Everyone saw him as the big evil – as the heartless monster that found pleasure in torture and pain. But Sam knew from the very beginning he was nothing like that and yet he had forced himself to hate him, even though he knew this wasn’t how he _truly_ felt. Because Dean, Bobby, Castiel – the whole _world_ actually – expected him to hate the devil. And because he blamed himself for freeing him and for causing the end of the world.

And now, without the restrictions of his true vessel and mind – merely a soul that had learned to imitate all these things – he could finally see the truth. The sympathy he had felt for Lucifer all along had never been wrong because Lucifer, the literal devil, was never the evil monster he was pictured as to begin with. Their connection, as much as Sam fought against his urge to accept it, was not a cursed one – it was a _blessing_. Since Sam had decided to ignore the upcoming pain and comfort Lucifer it began to simply fade away and now, with his hands holding the angel’s in this intimate touch, it was gone completely.

“Lucifer, please look at me.”

Slowly Lucifer turned his head, angelic glacier blue eyes connecting with human hazel ones, and Sam saw so much in them now it took his breath away. It was the same look Lucifer had given him so often on earth, but Sam had been blinded by his physical restrictions to realize that it wasn’t a degrading look. Now he realized those eyes were filled with an adoration that no human had ever seen before, because no angel had ever looked at a human with such a deep devotion.

“I never meant to hurt you, Sam.” Lucifer said silently and almost dropping his gaze again when he continued. "I know how you think about me and I understand it. I’ve put you through hell when all I wanted was to keep you safe – I _deserve_ being here. You don’t.”

“You don’t know how I think about you.” Sam said with a weak smile, looking down at their hands. “I didn’t know until now either.”

“I don’t think I understand.”

Sam had to suppress a chuckle, this was the wrong time for humor and Lucifer clearly didn’t understand a word he was saying right now. When he looked back up his eyes were warm, without any doubt showing in them anymore. His voice was soft when he spoke, heavy as the words that came from his lips and his heart just the same.

“You protected me when I couldn’t protect myself, when I thought you were the one inflicting this horrible torture on me. You _knew_ I believed that and still kept going. You took all my pain and suffering when I was ready to die and brought me into a memory you’ve seen to keep me safe, knowing _you_ would die instead of me. You were willing to sacrifice your own life so I would be free from the torture and your brother, Lucifer. I always treated you like everyone else did and you still did all those things, without asking for anything in return. Why?”

Lucifer stared at Sam in complete disbelief. Never before had someone spoken to him like this since his fall and he would have never expected Sam to be the one to do it again. His hands in Sam’s were cold, covered in sweat as he searched for an answer he couldn’t give to the human. He had never hated Sam, in fact always held him above anything else since the moment he was born. Sam was sacred, the only human he ever felt the need to protect – the one perfect soul his father created. And yet, he had no words for him, no explanation as to why he felt this way. Because love or being loved – those things were gone from his life for so long that he forgot how they felt and it didn’t even occur to him that the reason behind all of it was so simple

“I don’t know, Sam.” Lucifer finally admitted, disappointed by his own answer. “All I can know is that I want you safe. If it means I have to die so you can be, then I will gladly die.”

“You said you’d never lie to me, Lucifer. I think you know why you are doing all this.” Sam smiled at him, his gaze softened even more and showing a similar affection he had noticed in the angel’s eyes before. “We are two halves, you said it yourself. There is a reason the pain began to fade when I wanted to spend you comfort like you did before.”

“You shouldn’t have done this.” Lucifer mumbled ashamed and looked down. “You would have died and I had to save you – you don’t need to take anything back.”

“Lucifer, I know you are a proud archangel, but can you please drop the self-loathe for a second and look at what’s happening?” At these words Lucifer looked up, confused at how Sam spoke to him suddenly. “You were willing to _die_ to save me, do you know what makes humans act like that? _Love_.”

Lucifer shook his head, retreating his hands as if Sam burned him the same second. He stood up and stepped back from the human with clenched fists and still shaking his head – the light now building a pulsating aura around him that made him look completely lost and devastated. Sam had no idea why he could ‘read’ the light, but he figured it might be a reflection of Lucifer’s soul or grace and since he was only a soul now too it was possible. Slowly Sam stood up himself, trying to ignore the ache in his chest. He had just dropped a huge ball he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around himself – how horrifying must it be for Lucifer, who had been completely cut off from this feeling for so long?

“I… I don’t love you… I _can’t_ love…” Lucifer kept shaking his head as if he was unable to stop it, slow and rhythmic with his eyes staring at the ground. “No one loves me, I don’t know what love is… it’s something else, something _logical_ …” he just slipped into babbling now, words Sam couldn’t understand anymore and that were surely no human language.

“Lucifer, you don’t have to be scared.” Sam said gently, lifting his hands in a defensive gesture and stepping forward.

“But _you_ should be!” Lucifer suddenly burst out, the light flashing brightly and almost blinding Sam with its intensity. As soon as his eyes focused again he saw that Lucifer was furious and more than ever ready to fight. “You _should_ be scared of me! I’m a _monster_! I’m a _freak_! You can’t trust me, you can’t _love_ me!”

Sam’s heart broke at the hate he heard in those words, hate Lucifer directed at himself because it had been drilled into his mind for eons and eons – unworthy, a disappointment, _unlovable_. Despite Lucifer’s dangerous and intimidating posture and the hair on his arms rising, Sam closed the distance between him and the angel and pulled him into a tight embrace, without any words. Lucifer’s whole body was shaking from anger and devastation – the cold almost painful now and not even a little comforting anymore. Still, Sam kept holding him, not allowing himself to let go no matter how painful it was.

“Maybe I _want_ to love you, Lucifer.”

The angel tensed up completely at Sam’s words and for a moment the human thought he would simply explode and kill them both. Then it was gone from one second to the other and Lucifer just collapsed against him with a weight that brought Sam to his knees. Despite that he kept holding onto him and when he felt the other’s arms wrap around him and he pulled them even closer together Sam let it happen – tears in his eyes at just how these simple words shattered him so much.

For a long time Lucifer clung to Sam and sobbed, the overwhelming realization of Sam’s words a thing so painful to process that it brought the angel to his limit. Sam too felt his emotions trembling and shaking him, but he knew now wasn’t his moment to be weak – now he had to be strong because otherwise Lucifer would never be able to believe that he was truthful to him. Sam was _never_ scared of Lucifer – the angel had always made him feel content and at peace, something he swallowed down all the time for the sake of a world that would never understand these feelings.

Now that it was only _them_ – without anything twisting Sam’s thoughts and feelings – he could admit that what he had felt for Lucifer was never hate, but always a love he couldn’t explain. And Sam knew how this was scary for the angel, how he tried to do the same thing Sam did for so long. But if anyone was in need of love it was Lucifer and Sam would do his damn best to give as much to him as he possibly could, may it be in the cage, in his memory, on earth – or wherever they would go. There was nothing that could take this knowledge away from him anymore, now that he finally admitted it to himself.

“My other half, Lucifer… how could I not love you?”


End file.
